Do we see ourselves as we really are? As a mirror opposite? Or do we see ourselves as we want to?  Does the shiny surface of the water match what is beneath the surface?

Reflecting about experiences is life. Hopefully we take time to learn something about ourselves, others, and our relationships.

I didn’t embrace a relationship with my blood Grandma. I would write her fairly often (and she wrote back) but as an adult I didn’t turn towards a relationship with her. She was a hard woman.  When I would see her it was at family occasions and I didn’t have much to say other than the artificial basics. That is the truth. I didn’t take the time.

Then the summer of 2015 my Mom says “You might want to go by and visit; this could be the last time you see her.” The face of time was in front of me. The voice within me said “Go.” A few days later I called Grandma and said I wanted to come see her and spend the night. “Sure, come on ahead.” I ended up spending the weekend. Just to two of us.  The last time it had been just us was after grandpa died 13 years prior and I was the first one to arrive at the farmhouse. The last time I had slept at the farmhouse was when I was much much younger; the teen years when my sister and I would stay a week each summer.  l didn’t take time to develop our own relationship until she was moving from the farm.

In all those years, I made room for my adopted grandmother Jean. But I had not for my blood grandmother Edna.

Edna would always say “I pray for you everyday. Come by any time to visit.” Most of the time I wouldn’t even go by after being at my sister’s place 20 mins away. Sure, a handful of times over the years I would stop by. I had to get back to Kansas City.

              In a rush. I was not able to see my own reflection. The reflection of selfishness.

But I listened to the inner voice that said “Go.”  And I am grateful. The weekend of time with just the two of us. Why hadn’t I done this sooner? Time on the farm is always peaceful. Grandma and I had a nice time, so much so I stayed a second night. No rush to get back.

How do you see yourself?

Live. Breathe. Alive. blog- Here I write about life, love, my spiritual journey and what I am learning to help others. Using the voice I have.

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